2016 – Day 14

Mrs. Shwartz has been my therapist for two years, ever since I had my emotional breakdown about being committed to my marriage. She’s been so helpful, and I am doing much better these days. Not only have I made more of an effort to share with Conrad my thoughts and concerns, but I’ve completely moved past any feelings I thought I was having for Trevor (the barista at Starbucks), Modi (my mechanic), and Damon (a man who also shops at 5:45 each Friday evening at Stop ‘n Shop). As part of the process, Mrs. Schwartz is teaching me how to gain a deeper understanding of who I am and where I want to go while still maintaining my marriage. (Mrs. Shwartz is a licensed psychiatrist, but she prefers to go by Mrs. rather than Dr.)

When I first came to her office and sat across from her at the large oak desk, she asked why I came for counseling.

“I’m married,” I said, “But lately I’ve been having feelings for another man.”

“Who?” she said.

“His name is Damon, and we keep running into each other while grocery shopping.”

“How many times?”

“I don’t know,” I said, doing a quick mental count that eventually ran close to a dozen times. “Maybe 5 or 6.”

“Is he the only one?"

"There have been a few others, but he's the only one right now."

"Okay," she said, taking a few notes in a pad on her desk. "And what do you hope to get out of this counseling?”

“I’m just really confused these days,” I said, looking for a nod or knowing smile, but she remained still. “I don't think I want another relationship. Conrad and I have known each other five years now and we've been married for three, and so we're used to each other. But it's nice to talk to other people sometimes. I've been home with the baby since he was born 14 months ago, and it gets pretty lonely. And Conrad is always at the office. I even thought he was into someone else for a while, but he said he wasn't. And I don't mean to have these feelings for anyone else. I'm just so confused."

"But you're married," she said.

"Yes," I said.

"We can meet on Tuesdays." She shook my hand and said her secretary would set up the next appointment.

Now on Tuesdays, I walk into her waiting room and prepare for our session as she instructed. I take a seat in one of the plush white chairs along the back wall and assess my week.

Did I communicate my needs to Conrad? Well, he was busy on his laptop and may not have heard me when I asked him to do the dishes. Also, I may have said it quietly because I didn't really want him to do it because I was asking. We already agreed I needed more help around the house. So that agreement counts as communicating, and therefore I really shouldn't have to ask again. Answer: Yes.

Did Conrad and I make time for true interactions? We had sex on Tuesday and I drove him to the mechanic on Wednesday. He got upset when I started chatting with Modi about Dancing with the Stars and so we interacted by arguing in the car on the way home. Answer: Yes.

Did I avoid inappropriate interactions? I talked with Modi, of course, but Conrad was there so that can't be inappropriate. I did go shopping at Stop 'n Shop, but I waited until 6:15, so it hardly left much time to talk with Damon, who happened to still be shopping though his cart was full. Answer: Yes.

Am I feeling that I am working toward the person I wish to be? I think I'm less confused. I'm pretty committed to Conrad. And when his mother mentioned grandchildren, and I ran into the bathroom and cried for 30 minutes straight, I think that was just bad timing because I'd seen a video about sick puppies three hours earlier and it just hit me then. I'm sure of it.